My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
