Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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