video games are the ultimate cock blocker
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
17 of the Dumbest Defenses Heard in Court
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
These 19 Ladies Love Pegging Their Men
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.