Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
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