I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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