I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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