It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
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