My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Randomize
