we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize
