Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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