I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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