Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
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What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
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just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.