I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
Green mimosas i think yes
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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