i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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