I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
