It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
