I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
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