Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
