My cat gives me a boner
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
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