My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
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