We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
