I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Randomize
