Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
