so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Randomize
