u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
