you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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