I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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