I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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