Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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