Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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