Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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