He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
My dick has a subreddit
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
