She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
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2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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