ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
