I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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