Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
