You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
