i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Randomize
