oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
