Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
