hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I can't put those talents on a resume
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
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