then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
