I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
