If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
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