Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
