i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
