I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
