Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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