Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
