Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Randomize
