You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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