You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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