how can u be prego again
it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
