Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
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I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
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I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
And then he peed in my hair
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