She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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