Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I still have a little drunk in my system
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Randomize
