Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
My vagina is very pro this idea
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
