I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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