I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
