Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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