i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
