I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
