I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Randomize
